Letting go - Part 4 of 5

Raina. If Sonia had stormed into my life, then Raina just stole in silently. In fact I did not even know when it had been that she had come in. Even now I cannot say that with surety except that some time after my association with her, I had realized that she was different from anyone I had ever met. I cannot even recollect the first time I met her. Was it in some party or was it somewhere else? At some friends house? My mind is a complete blank. I just do not remember.
Wherever it was, I just remember this painfully thin about 7-8 year old girl serving tea and coffee with a dazed look on her face. I was amazed that I seemed to be encountering her in almost every party I went to. One fine day she appeared at one of my close friends party. The same wide-eyed innocent look. The same awkward appearance. I asked my friend about her. What she told me brought tears into my eyes. The first time where anything other than Sonia had managed to do that. I looked at the girl as she asked shyly...
"Coffee uncle?".

I silently took the cup from her. She smiled. Yellow teeth showed through. A few missing ones gaped. It was the most beautiful smile I had ever seen, coming as it seemed to do straight from the heart. I felt lousy about myself. How long had it been since I could say that about myself? When had I smiled like that last? I felt ashamed. How strong the girl must be to be able to smile like that. A street-urchin, a 7 year old girl, all alone in the world, her parents either dead or dying, her sole mode of survival being the pity of strangers and here she was standing in front of me, smiling, like she did not have a care in the world. That she was perfectly happy with her state and I sat there moping like every misfortune in the world had fallen into my lap. I hastily turned away. I could not even bear looking at her. I had to get out of there. As fast as I could. A chit of a girl was challenging the huge amount of self-pity I had managed to hoard for myself. I hurried out of there.

I was almost on my way when I decided to turn back. I did not know that going back to wish the hostess a good-bye was going to have such repurcussions in my life. To cut a long story short, as I made my way in I heard my friend talking about the girl to another woman. I stopped and listened. Apparently everyone had been taking turns in looking after the girl but now everyone was skirting the responsibility. Understandably so. The friend was exploring all her options before being forced to let the girl go. Once again to the streets that she had come from. I shuddered as I heard that.

I don't know what came over me. Call it guilt, call it waking up to some kind of social responsibility or just plain humanity but in a couple of hours I was driving home with a child sitting next to me. Her meagre things lay in a sack in her lap. She was silent. I was silent. I did not dare speak. As I drove up to my apartment, the enormity of what I had done stuck me. One second. One second of impulsiveness was all it took for me to have landed myself in this mess.

"Is that your house uncle?" she asked. Startled I looked at her. The same wide-eyed look. The same smile. She seemed so happy. The mess was not with her, the mess was within me.

I turned the key in the lock. There was only one thought in my mind. What was I going to do? How was I going to manage? Would I be able to take this responsibility on? I fumbled. She waited patiently.

I found something missing in me at that moment. Something was different. Starkly different. I tried to think what it was. I turned the handle to open the door. That's when it hit me. The dread was missing. The dread of coming to a home that did not have Sonia living in it. How many times I had just stood there staring at the lock, willing the door to open. Willing for Sonia to open the door with a - Surprise!. It had never happened. This time around, I had not waited. Yes, dread was there. But a different kind of dread. A dread of having someone in the home with me. Someone so young. Someone who was just a child.

Her eyes brightened as she looked in. I went in. She still stood in the doorway hesistantly.

"Come in." I said. The first words I had spoken to her directly.

She ran inside. I took her things from her. Took her to the bedroom where Sonia used to keep all her stuff. I had not entered it in a long, long time. I felt strange as I walked in. I never thought that I'd be bringing someone to occupy it. But here she was. Raina. Walking hesistantly inside.

I went in to change. I sat on my bed. The enormity of what I had taken up seemed to grow every passing second. I shook my head. This was not how my life was supposed to be. There was supposed to be no one here. I was supposed to be all alone having ample time to mope and cry. What was I doing taking on the responsibility of a 7-year old girl? I, who have never been near children other than those of my friends I used to always keep a distance from. How did I think I was going to carry this out? My mind whirred. I got up to change.

The hot shower managed to clear some of my confusion. There was no way in the world I would be able to do this. I had difficulty looking after myself. There was no way I'd be able to handle the onus of looking after a child. A girl child to boot. I would call up my friend and tell her that I would not be able to do it. I did not want to think of what would happen to Raina after that. Surely, they would do a better job than I could hope to. I got out dialling my friends number on the cell phone.

(..to be contd)