A team

"When you want to do something, you don't go about announcing it. You just do it." He said looking at me calmly.

A deep pain slashed through my insides as I looked at him. Stung. Hurt. Distraught. Not a feeling across the face except a controlled rage. Even that was not showing. I could see it because I knew him so well. We looked at each other. I waited for remorse to show. For an apology to show. But no. He stood there with the same expressionless face. Resolute in his fury.

The tears were threatening to flow, but I held them back. No, I was not going to give him that satisfaction. Not after what he had done to me. Not in the face of his strength which hit me like a death-blow. At that particular moment I knew that I had to do it. I had to. There was no looking back. Not at this juncture.

I walked. Walked and walked and walked. Don't know for how long. I don't know how I left. But I did. If there was hope inside my chest that he would come looking for me, I curbed it. I did not want to hope. I could not hope. Hadn't almost a decade of knowing him tell me what to expect and what not to? So I did not hope. I just walked. Walked out of a life I thought had been mine forever. Only forever seems to have a way of loosing itself.

Nobody had said it was going to be easy. On the contrary I was supplied horror stories, countless what-if-things-get-worse scenarios, many I-would-not-do-it-if-I-were you advises - but I still held forth. I am the first to admit that I had no clue if things were going to get better. In fact I did not have much hopes they would, but I knew one thing and that was that things were going to change. And my life was ready for a change. I embraced it with all I had.

There were times. Times when it would seem like it was the end of the world. Times when I would feel like killing myself would have been a better option than walking out of my secure world. A world I had established with a man I know to this day my heart misses a beat for. But what do you do when things go wrong. When every day you wake up you get up with a dread in your heart about the mood of the person sleeping next to you. Uncertainity grips you. Twists you and can ultimately destroy you.

Empty threats. That's what he had called them time and again when through my tears I would rue the fact that I was still living with him. That day it was the same. Except there were no tears. And of course what followed it was different too. I was out of his life. At least I was trying to.

I looked at the calendar. Another day. Without him. Without life like I knew it. I had shifted to a place close to my work. I still had the key to 'our' house. How strange it seemed to address it that way. It was not ours anymore. I was not his anymore. I was just me. Walking into that house when I knew he would be out, I wanted to remain there. I did not want to leave. Everything exactly the way I had arranged it. What would happen if I did not leave? Surely, he would not kick me out. I knew him that much to believe that he would embrace me with open arms. I would just have to say the magical word - I am sorry and this could be all over. The pain, the embarrasment, the acute hurt to the point of tears. Everything would be over if I just sat there without leaving. I did too. Sat on the same spot I would sit with his head cradled in my lap as we would watch a movie, a serial or some silly sports program.

That would be 15-Love. That would make it 30-Love. 30-15. 40-15 now. 40-30. Ah!Deuce. Advantage. Deuce again. Advantage. Game, Set and Match, he would scream in delight as he taught me right from the basics to the finer points of Tennis. No, I was not going to do this. I had to be strong. I could never leave if I start thinking about the good times. I always wonder at how the human mind is organized. It seems to be pretty good at obscuring memories. At keeping the good parts and keeping the bad ones out.

How come I could not remember one bad thing about him. How come every nook and corner held good memories? Or was it that way? Had I been wrong in thinking that every day had been a struggle with him? Wasn't that a wee bit of exaggeration? Could I not remember the day when he had come home with a huge wrapped package? I had been so excited and after removing layers upon layers of packing had come to a packet which contained a tennis racquet. Get ready to move darling, we are gonna have a match, he had said. Days he had spent teaching me how to play. After some twisted ankles, bruised egos, confusing the tennis racquet with a cricket bat and hitting the ball straight out of the ground, shouting matches, I was actually enjoying playing tennis. Not only that, I was pretty good at it.

I shook myself out of it. I could not do it. I had not business doing it. I was there to pack some of my things and get out. If I lingered long, he'd be there. Then what? Would I be able to face him? Would I be able to leave him as easily as I had the last time. There had been pent up rage on my side and blind fury on his. Walking out has been easy. Now that things had cooled down considerably on both sides, I wondered if I would have it in me to leave him a second time.

I panicked. I rushed. Tried to get as many things as I possibly could. Not long before he'd be home. Was that a part of me which wanted him to come home early that evening? Could it be? How could I still be keeping any hope alive in my breast? I shook my head at myself. I started the task of collecting things.


I looked at the mantel. Umpteen trophies with Mixed Doubles Winners/Runners adorned it. I just looked blank at them. I had not a clue as to what I was going to do. I stood there, holding one of the trophies in hand. I heard the front door open but I could not move. I knew he was watching me. I turned. I did not know what to expect. I did not even glance in his direction.

"I was just about to leave...." I said.
"Don't" he mumbled.
"I can't...."
"I know you can't. But we can! I promise." he said.

I looked up. There was no remorse. No regret. No fury in his eyes. Just tears. Glistening right at the surface. I was ready for the former. I was not ready for the latter.

"After all we are a team.I cannot let you go..." he said.
I was in his arms.

"...since you still are not perfect with your back-hand!"