An untitled story!

She was once again in tears. She could not understand this at all. Not at all. She did everything possible to be the best that she could be but it did not seem to be working. Not in the least. She was always upto something - almost always for him. She'd be either preparing his favorite elaborate dish after noting down every painstaking detail over a one hour telephone conversation with her mother-in-law. The conversation that would continue intermittently throughout the day as she woulf try to follow every instruction to the minutest detail making sure it was the right thing to do every half an hour. The result as would be expected would be outstanding. She'd beam with pride as he would take one bite out of it and finish it with a relish asking for second, third and fourth helpings. But would she feel like her effort paid off? No, not at all. There would be something missing, he would praise her cooking, appreciate her effort, thank her profusely for going to such lengths - but other than that there would be nothing else. No physical display of the appreciation. She would watch disappointingly when he would after the glowing words, just get up and leave with a I hope you made lots, a wink and the slightest of kisses on her cheek. It would puzzle her no end. Hadn't Mamma told her that the way to a man's heart was through his stomach? How come no matter how hard she tried, the stomach though well satisfied, did not seem to make any inroads towards her husband's heart. She would sit down stupified and stuff herself with loads of the gourmet dish she had just made in her depression.

She decided to take another approach. She would clean his study that day. She did it every day, but this day she would do something different. She would re-arrange everything. He always kept talking about what all he wanted to do to the room, but did not find sufficient time. So she set out about doing that. Had to make a couple of trips to the Mall to get a few things. She was done by the time of his return and cast a look on her labor of love. Everything was sparkling, the new chair and the lamp added character to the room, not to mention the tiny circular rug that brightened up the study considerably. Pleased with her efforts, she went into the kitchen. In her frenzy to set everything up she had foregone even food time. So she started to cook and was able to come up with a decent dinner in no time at all. Precisely that moment he returned. She had closed the door of the study so that he would be able to see the change only when he went to it - which he did in leisure. That was the time to inspect it - in leisure.

He greeted her with a Hi! Dear and rushed to their room presumably to freshen up. How she wished he would come over near her, clasp her in a tight embrace and kiss her passionately! But no, he did not seem to want to do anything of that. He came out a while later with - "Hey! That smells good. I am ravenous you know". He always was when he returned from work. She served him the food and they ate in silence. How she wished he would say something about how his day went, confide in her about the troubles he faces, enjoy with her the triumphs - but no, he ate in silence. Once or twice opening his mouth to say how delicious the food was. But today she was excited. He would invariably go to the study after eating and she could not wait. He helped her clean up after dinner and she asked him if he wanted a cup of tea. He nodded with a - "I will be in the study". She could hear her heart thumping as he walked towards the room. She waited with bated breath as he opened the door. There was silence all around. Oh good Lord! Maybe he did not like what she had done. She stood in a trance, wondering what she was going to do if he went ballistic on her.

He called out to her. This was it. This was the moment she was waiting for. She walked towards him.
"Oh my god dear! What did you do?" he asked. Shock registered on his face. She did not know what reaction that was going to turn to. She tried to determine if there was a sharp tinge to his voice.
"Well I just re-adjusted the study a little. I have been catching bits and pieces of how you wanted to re-decorate it and decided to surprise you..." she said.
"Its..its...fantastic!" he beamed, his face brigtening like a bulb.
"You like it?" she asked, letting out a sigh of relief.
"Like it? I love it! Its just the way I wanted. Everything is so perfect."
It was her turn to glow like a bulb.
"Thank you, thank you. I just cannot thank you enough." He took her hands in his. Ah! This is more like it. He took her in his arms and hugged her. She could feel the warmth of his body. She wanted to melt in his embrace. She wanted this to go on forever.
He kissed her - on the cheek.
"Let me try this new chair.." he said, letting her go.
She stood there for some time not knowing quite what to do. This was not what she had expected how this would go. She had imagined him kissing her passionately, whispering to her that she was his dream girl and then carrying her off to their bedroom. Like she had watched in all those movies. She sighed and walked to the kitchen to make his cuppa. She could hear him pacing like an excited kid checking out things in the study, sometimes calling out to her with a where did you find this? or with a how did you do this? She can almost hear him say as she handed him the tea, "Ah! How good this smells. This is what makes my day complete!" And then he'd immerse himself in partaking the concoction.

She felt miserable. She wanted to cry. Where was the spark in their relationship? It seemed so placid and boring. When she had gotten married, she had reconciled herself to the face that all her grand plans of having a love marriage and not borne fruit since the main ingredient of being in a love marriage was to find a man to love and that was missing from her life. She studied in a girls only school, a girls only college - where would she meet this essential ingredient. None of the boys around her 'mohalla' excited her much. She had been waiting for that fateful afternoon when while taking a walk in the park she would stumble and fall into the arms of a handsome stranger, who would look deeply into her eyes and sweep her off her feet. Many afternoon's passed, some so scorching that no one but she would venture out in the hope that her handsome stranger was lurking some place. She held on to her hope until her parents decided to get her married off to this stranger from the city. She had wanted to create a scene but on what basis was she going to that? On the hope of some prince knocking her off her feet. There was no telling what her strict father would do if he came to know that his daughter nursed such silly dreams. She talked to the prospective bridegroom a couple of times and decided that he was a decent kind of chap and could not put up any objection when everyone around her agreed it was an ideal match.

When they were pronounced man and wife, she peeked at him to see her smiling at him. She smiled back. This arranged marriage thing wasn't quite as bad as she had feared, she thought relaxing for the first time. She made a promise to herself that day. That she was going to find the romance in the relationship that had been sorely missing in her life. From that day on her travails started. She realized with horror that her husband was a man of few words and fewer actions. There was no question he cared a lot about her and was sensitive to her wishes, but he had no idea about love and romance. He seemed to be the kind of person who considered such ideas a big waste of time. He did not lavish attention on her as her friends had told her their husband's did during the first year of marriage. He let her do her stuff and did his own stuff. He gave her everything she could have asked for, except the passion that she so longed for. He did make love to her, but somehow it seemed very business like to her as he would say hardly anything during the process leave alone whispering sweet nothings into her ear. She longed to hear him tell her that he loved her. She longed to melt in his arms as he took control of her body. Nothing of that sort happened. She was devastated. She did not know what to to, who to turn to.

Sensing her disappointment, her mother advised her, as all good traditional mothers do, to work over winning over his love. To be such a good wife to him, that he would be helpless in front of her perfection and would be unable to do anything but love her. So she set about doing the things her mother advised her to. Cook his favorite dishes, organize his things, surprise him with stuff he wanted..the list was endless but she went through each one of the items on it painstakingly. She waited for the anticipated result but it never came. Everytime she would fail, she would tackle the next one on the list with renewed vigor. But today she was truly depressed. Every item on the list had been attempted. There was no other item that she could try. Once again she did not know what to do. She felt ashamed to ask her mother for counsel again, after having fallen flat on her face the first time. She sat down and cried. There was no one to turn to. In a few years she would be older, having children and any hope of romance in the relationship would have to be forever discarded. She would have gone through life without knowing what it was like to have a man love her passionately. She was as good as dead. She cried harder.

She could hear him humming a tune amidst her sobs. There was no danger of him overhearing her because he would be engrossed on doing something on the computer as he listened to the songs. She wished he would hear her. Wished that he could rush over to her, fawn all over her, ask her the reason, guess it was his attitude and promise to change and more importantly come through on his promise. But alas! No such thing happened. He continued to hum the damn tune as she cried her heart out.

"You want to go out?" he asked her one day.
She smiled. She would love to. So he took her out. To a very expensive restaurant. She felt out of place in the establishment. She felt sometimes that she did not fit into the city very well. It was fine as long as she confined at home, but the minute she walked out she felt very self concious. At the back of her mind was always the thought that she was a village bumpkin who was not in the city long enough to adapt to its ways. Right from the way she dressed, to the way she combed her hair, to the way she talked, to the way she carried herself - she felt that her attitude was small-townish and she could never feel herself fitting in. She felt the same feeling assuaging her as they sat to dine at the table. What had posessed her to take him up on his offer, she thought to herself. She was already feeling claustrophobic and the evening had not even started yet. She wished she were some place else. Anywhere but here.

He carried on as if nothing was amiss. She refused to order anything, so he ordered for the both of them. She was feeling miserable, unable to carry on a conversation in the state of mind that she was in. He seemed to have sensed her mood and stopped trying to make small talk. It was with relief that they greeted the appearance of the food though neither one of them was hungry. They started paying attention to the food thankful that there was something to direct their energies too instead of trying to make small talk. It pained her to think that she had to struggle to find something to talk about with her husband. She picked listlessly at the food.
"What happened?" he asked. She gave a start. She had been so immersed in her misery that she had even forgotten about his existence.
"huh?"
"You don't seem to be eating anything. You don't like the food? We could order something else you know."

She sighed. So like her husband to place the blame on anything but himself. Couldn't he see that she was feeling bad that they had to go through this charade, that they were still strangers to each other though they had been married for almost a year. She just shook her head from side and side and continued picking at her food. The evening ended the same way - listless and tasteless!

The next day she decided she could not take this anymore. She needed a break. From her dreams, from reality but most of all from her husband. She expressed her desire to go see her parents and he agreed immediately. She had to wonder if he had not been waiting for this all along. The thought brought tears to her eyes that he could be waiting for her departure as eagerly as she was waiting to get away. She forbade herself from dissolving into tears as she packed her stuff. She packed and packed and packed. She did not know how long she was going to stay there but she packed for a long stay. He looked at her suitcases and if he was surprised he did now show it.

"We will leave tomorrow..." he said. The plan was he was going to drop her off at her village, stay there for a couple of days and come back. Her date of return was not finalized. Neither did he ask her a time period nor did she provide him with one. So off they trooped off in the train to her hometown. The couple of days that he stayed with them passed off in a rush. There were lots of formalities to take care of, hoardes of relatives who wanted to meet and talk - there was no time for the husband and wife to even utter a sentence to each other. Not that it made a difference, she thought bitterly. Soon it was time for him to go. There was no parting scene, no poignant seperation, just a hug goodbye.

Was it her imagination or did he hug her tighter than ever before and for a little bit longer? Must be her imagination. Sometimes you want something so bad, that you start imagining things. That must be it as she waved him goodbye. She felt a trickle of moisture on her cheek. Her heart was breaking, somehow she did not like the sight of him leaving, as she had thought she would. She stood there for a long, long time after he had left. Suddenly she felt very alone. That was one thing to be said when she lived with him. She had never quite felt lonely. He was always there for her. If he was at work, she'd have to pick up the phone and he'd be there talking to her. Nothing quite what she wanted to hear, but conversation nonethless. He'd never leave her alone and go out apart from his work. Any party, any friend he went to visit, wherever he went, he would take her along with him. If she did not want to go, he would not either no matter how much she implored him to. The memory brought a smile to her lips, though she had been very irritated with him at that time.

She went in, feeling an emptiness inside she found hard to describe. The heaviness in her heart when he was around seemed to have replaced by nothing after he left. She could not feel anything, as she went directly to what used to be her room. It was still the same. Everything neatly arranged the way she had always wanted it to be. She had always been a very organized child. She looked at the modest book case. Her small collection of books neatly arranged by subject, by the alphabetical order. She recollected the time when she had been re-arranging the study. How she had painstakingly arranged his vast collection of books and cds by the subject and then alphbetically. He had thanked her everytime he had found a book with no effort. How she had loved doing that for him. She would from time to time organize the books after he would use it for a while. She wondered what would happen now that she was gone for - how long? she asked herself. She did not want to think about it. She heard her mother calling out to her and hurried out.

He called the next day to inform her about his safe arrival back home. She had been walking restlessly for over an hour before the telephone rang. Apparently the train had been delayed for a while. She breathed a sigh of relief as she heard his voice. She wanted to smile for no reason at all. She did and he said - "You seem so happy!" She cringed when she heard that. Had she given him the impression that she was having a good time after he left her? She hoped he did not think that it was because she was at her parent's place and not with him.
"I am just happy to hear from you. I was getting worried!" she said.
"I knew you were. I called as soon as I could access to a phone!" he said.
"I know." she said.
"So I will call you again in a couple of days."
"Sure"
"bye"
"Take care.." she whispered.
It was a wonder that he even heard it at all.
"Don't worry about me. You have a good time." he said and hung up.
She realized her heart was still beating fast as she hung up the receiver. She giggled. She was feeling like she had just encountered a handsome stranger in the park. There was a spring in her step as she went about her day. The only thing she could think of was his call in a couple of days.

She was half-asleep the next morning when her mother woke her up.
"Phone call for you..." she informed with a wink.
She was fully awake. It was him allright. She could feel the pace of her pulse increase as she talked to him. He seemed embarassed in the beginning to be calling so early.
"I don't know I just woke up early and felt like talking to you. I guess I am more used to you being next to me than I realized"
She could not believe her ears. It was the first time he was saying anything close to such stuff.
"I am sorry if I disturbed you. I hope I did not disturb anyone else..."
She laughed.
"Don't worry about it. Ma gets up real early..."
They talked about this and that. Even when there was nothing to talk about, he would bring up some vague topic. She was thrilled beyond words. It was like he did not want to hang up and continue talking to her. She glanced over to the watch and realized that they had been on the phone for well over an hour.
"Isn't it getting late for work for you?" she asked.
"Oh my God! Look at the time and I haven't even brushed yet!" he wailed.
"There is so much I have to do..." Suddenly she felt very guilty for not being there. She would help him get ready. Make breakfast for him and wave him goodbye! She wanted to be there with him.
"Ok I will talk to you later.." he said.
"Sure. Take care.." She was about to hang up when she realized that he was still on the line.
"Yes dear..." she said.
"oh! Nothing...I just wanted to ask you when you are planning to return. No rush you know. Just to plan some stuff..."
"Can I let you know later?" she asked.
"Sure thing" he said and hung up.

"So are the married love birds done with their conversation" her mother said walking into the room. She just blushed.
He called her again the same day.
"So did you have time to think about it?" he asked.
"Think about what?" she asked.
"About when I should come pick you up. I have to apply for leave you know.."
"How soon can you come?" she asked.


***The End****