Overtime - Part 6

She sat with downcast eyes for a long time before she started to speak. He did not interrupt her chain of thoughts. He did not want to be coming out as pressing her too hard. Once again he waited. This time for her to break her silence.

The story over, he did not know how to react. Was he supposed to feel relieved? If so, he wasn't feeling what he was supposed to be feeling. In fact he was feeling quite uneasy. Getting to know about her and her issues seemed to create a kind of bond between us. A bond that was always going to exist. There is something about the human psyche. It probes and prods, knowing not exactly what it is looking for. The curiosity factor gets the better of any other factor. Its like you cannot rest until you have reached to the bottom of whatever it is that is being held from you. But once you do reach the bottom, swimming the murky waters of a person's past, you are left wondering if it had been such a good idea to have wanted so desperately to know about them. Knowing about a person, their feelings, their emotions, their past leaves you with a feeling of responsibility towards that person. You cannot just ignore what the person is going through because you yourself are overwhelmed with it. You have to be there for them and sometimes you lack it in you to be there for them. You know you can be utterly useless in handing any kind of support. But you cannot just walk away. That would seem like you are deserting them, running away from them after they have bared their soul to you. In simple words, being a jerk! And you cannot handle that title against you, now can you? You feel like an animal trapped by its own greed.

Knowing what was bothering Maya had seemed like the be-all and end-all of his existence for the past few days. Now that he had the knowledge, the question was what was he going to do? How was he expected to handle this? He had absolutely no clue about what to say, what not to say. So he just kept quiet. He just kept quiet as she told him that she had undergone a divorce a few days back. He kept quiet when she broke down saying how much she loved her husband and how hard this was for her. He also kept quiet when she told him the reason for her divorce. He did not know which side to take when she asked him whether he thought it was her fault. He kept quiet because he did not know. She kept looking at him with pleading in her eyes, as if to say, please tell me it is not my fault. Somehow he could bring himself to say that. She kept looking - he kept shuffling his feet - still keeping quiet.

"Maybe its time to go..." she said.
"Huh?"
"Looks like I have managed to ruin a perfectly good evening for you...I won't prolong it any longer."
"Its not that Maya.." He had no explanations to give her. How could he tell her, that he was so confused and had never found himself in that kind of a situation before? He was not an articulate person and there was no use trying to be one. So he stopped trying to offer any explanation for his attitude. It was another matter that he did not have one to offer.

"Maybe I have overwhelmed you with all my problems. But somehow talking to you about all this has soothed me in some vague way though I have no clue why."

He had no clue either. In fact he would expect her to feel miffed. But the poor girl seemed to be feeling better, maybe because she wanted to talk to someone about it. He wished he could have been a better listener, had been more supportive of her situation. But he found himself sorely lacking on that front. He wished he could soothe her frayed nerves. Tell her everything was going to be ok. But those thoughts remained just that - mere thoughts. He was never good at expressing his feeling and this situation wasn't different either. In fact it was worse. A woman who he did not know beyond a few conversations and emails was laying bare her entire private life to him and all he could do was gape.

"I am so sorry Maya...I..I..."
"You don't have to say anything. I think I understand!"
Did she? Did she really? He himself did not understand it, so could he dare to hope that she did understand it in some way that he didn't. Or maybe she was saying that to make him feel better. This was quite ironic, instead of him saying things to make her feel better; it was the other way around. What an idiot he was! He could not even utter a single word that would have made her feel better. So he said the only thing that came to his mind..

"Where do you want to eat?" he asked her.
"I think I will not be able to eat much after this and I would not want to ruin your dinner. So I shall get going..."
Stop her! You idiot! Tell her she would not be doing anything of that sort. But once again no words came out of his mouth.
She started to leave.
"Do you want me to..you know...umm..drop you home?" he asked. Only he knew how much effort that had taken.
She stopped. Of course, she was not going to take up the offer. You behave like an insensitive jerk and then you expect her to do this for you. You are such a looser - he heard himself say.
"Oh! Thank you so much. I don't think I am in a state to drive either!" her eyes sparkled and his discomfort seemed to thin a little. It was easier to handle things when she was being her normal vivacious self. On the other hand, he wanted to run a mile if she so much as looked down! Was he ever going to change? He thought to himself as he led her to his car.
(..to be contd)